plz im suicidal(borderline personality disorder), can someone answer this?
Written on May 31, 2009 – 7:31 pm | by Drug Abuse Help
ok i really need a response from a atleast a few ppl ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM ANY MENTAL ILLNESSES!
i know no one is a phychiatrist but still we are people with knowledge and experience.
so i am officially diagnosed with bipolar type 1
i refuse to take my medication because it caused me to gain a lot of weight in a short period of time and other things bothered me about it like i felt like a freakin zombie(grass was greener on the other side), i know a lot of you will think im an idiot for this.
now… be4 my bipolar diagnosis i knew SOMETHING was off about me. i knew i was moody and had issues. i one day read the bipolar info and it fit me a lot and i new i had to be bipolar. ok enough about my bipolar rant.
i think i might have borderline personality. now if i was right about being bipolar i might also be right about bpd.
now why am i on yahoo? i can’t tell people everything about me even though im still a really open person because i start feeling extremely vulnerale and weak. even if i logically know im not weak for things i feel weak about the feeling takes over so i have go run to the internet to a bunch of "strangers"(i dont believe anyones a stranger and i tell ppl a lot of information even the first 1/2 hour i meet them).
first of on a daily basis i get pissed off about small things. if i was to expose my anger i think there would be a WW3. i have gotten into a few physical fights with people. as a child i was really artistic and i think overly emotional. i was in kindergarden and i got really upset(jelous) that my teacher didnt pick me for something so i ran out my school and than kicked the security officer for trying to hold me than i started crying. i beat some girl up in 8th grade and than got into a few fights in freshamn and sophomorre years in hs. i am currently 17. i have never had a serious relationship w/ any guys. to be honest im a whore.
now heres some things that might make a borderline:
i am impulsive w/ sex, w/ alcohol and drugs.
- i have abused alcohol, in fact have been drunk daily for the past 4 days.
i used to be a binge eater and was overweight in the past(5"7 and 190 lbs). i ate so much that i threw everything up a few times in my life(not bulimia). i had anorexia before but never lost weight to a severe level.
- suicidal idealization a few times a week
- i feel like i never really new who i was, going through phases where i "lost" and "found" myself. currently "lost" becasue when i went to get a haircut i didnt know what to reflect from the inside to the outside. i also don’t k now what to wear casue i want to reflect something but don’t know who i am. going clothing shopping makes me now always think "who the F am i??"
- i at the age of 12 or 13 had alcohol poisonign and passed out in the street.
- i smoke daily
-i get such bad anxiety my hands might start shaking
-my face turns red when im mad and my ears get hot
ok so when it comes to guys and people
i do love some one 1 day and hate them the next. sometimes i keep it to myself becasue i dont want to bitch about it.
i fell in love with a guy who liked another girl at the time. i stalked him, grobed him, i told him id give him head/sex in the school br while holding on to him and pulling him against me. when i was 14/15. he pushed me of of him and was surprised by what i was doing. if he didn’t talk to me i took that as "rejection" so i literally left the school to cut and burn myself becasue of my emotional pain. i wanted him so bad. if we went out i wanted to be the perfect gf, i wanted to show him wtf real love was.
(think "fatal attraction" teenage version or the movie obbsessed w/ beyonce and the white chick)
he effected my mood for the rest of the day. if i had a good convo with him than my day was amazing and if i didnt see him i’d be depressed.i failed classes to possibily see him in the hallways. i thought about him all day. this all lasted for a year until i got it through my head that he was interested in someone else. ill still take every chance in my life to show him how much i love him. i want to kill his gf.
- i have had a lot of sex parnters. yes im a whore. im not happy w/ any guys so i go around fucking them.
- i feel empty sometimes and spacy
- my emotions arent stable
ok so please tell me from your point of view if you think i have bpd….
and i would like to know the mean stuff too becasue i won’t get that upset because its over the internet. idc tell me that im phsyco etc it’s fine im very interested in ppls opinionbs becasue i dont;t know what to think of myself.
thxxx
srry i have so much to say i can’t get it all on to hear. yes i get manic. i talk fast have loads of energy. 4 days ago i was happy.
i have had amazing days in my life. even more amazing days than most people. i feel bad now. only now. tomorrow is a mystery.
oh yeh and i was wondering
what would you do if your broke, and your father is getting money in 2 yrs becasue he suing and it probobly will be millions(long story) BUT he is verbally abusive and physically. he hits me hard enough to leave marks all over me and my skin actually peels off. he’s hit me in the face thrown me into walls, threatened to kill me, took a knife and said he was going to stab me and my mother, kicked me, sat on me, tryed choking me etc etc. i really hate this person, im just using him or id call the cops. 5 minutes ago he was telling me im fat and disgusting, and that i should of died when i was younger. i purposly laughed at him to show him how much i don’t care about me.
Out_of_control said:
May 31, 09 at 2:08 amI’m no doctor, but to me you don’t sound so bipolar, more severely depressed. I question the bipolar aspect because you make no mention of the "highs" or mania that bipolar individuals experience. You mentioned alot of things that I can relate to myself. I’ve been doing very well on effexor xr and abilify together. I’m not exactly happy, but I’ve had a LOT fewer mood swings and the suicidal thoughts are completely gone.
You may consider seeing a psychiatrist (if you haven’t before) to get a proper diagnosis. According to my doctor, no mania, no bipolar.
I should note to you that my doctor said that if my son is bipolar (she couldn’t yet diagnosis this) he would get very hyper on lexapro as it’s now been learned it has that effect on bipolar people. Maybe if you’re not already on an anti-depressant you could try this one and see what happens?
Good luck!
Anna_G said:
May 31, 09 at 5:42 amit does sound like bpd. you may wanna see a therapist or someone so they can properly diagnose you. i think your a caring person at heart but am unsure how to show it properly. your very intouch with your feelings which is a good thing. make sure you see someone about this and if you can talk to them maybe make a vopy of this post that youve written and give it to them and they can read it and then ask you questions that way it might make it easier for you. hope you get better soon and find out if you do have bpd.. dont give up cos you sound like a very strong person so i reckon you can get through all of this.
John said:
May 31, 09 at 9:35 amSounds more like a severe depression to me, and your not psycho or insane, i know people like you. You just need to find a way to deal with these emotions. Good luck:)
PinkLife said:
May 31, 09 at 10:53 amTurn your eyes upon Jesus. God Bless you. He does love you.
Andi said:
May 31, 09 at 2:42 pmAt least you’re honest and open - that’s a good thing. From what you’ve described you could certainly have bpd, but your main problem right now is the bi-polar disorder. Get back on the medication, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Eat healthy foods, not junk. Start seeing a counselor or psychiatrist if you can (parents, money, insurance?) because you have a lot of low self esteem issues that will not just go away with the type of behavior you are exhibiting. THe f..ing around is a symptom of low self-esteem and the looking for love and the feelings of powerlessness that a lot of girls have at your age. The only power they feel is when they can turn on a guy and he wants you. But it doesn’t last so you feel worse afterward. Good luck getting some help - life can be fun and rewarding so don’t kill yourself - it won’t help in the long run (depending on what you believe of course). If you are interested in artistic things focus more on that and learn self expression. Learning to love ourselves first is very important.
jannsody said:
May 31, 09 at 3:04 pmYou are dealing with a lot of issues including self-harm. Please talk with a licensed therapist and a psychiatrist (as opposed to family dr who isn’t usually as well-versed about meds for mental health).
For general info on depression and bipolar disorder: http://www.dbsalliance.org
For info on self-injury: http://www.self-injury.net
A helpline for those that are considering ending their lives: 1-800-SUICIDE
TOKiO_ said:
May 31, 09 at 4:03 pmListen all I can tell you is that you like many other people just want to be heard yes hun I’m here to listen I have major depression and I don’t take any medication last time I felt suicidal was today!!
But I’m not gonna give up, I’m pretty much turning into alcohol now to make me feel better which isn’t such a great idea. In my opinion I’m not too sure if it’s bipolar disorder, Bdp, or severe depression, but it’s most defenitly in those categories.
I’m 15 and beggining to experience the crap of major depression
So talk to me
cinemahotel132@yahoo.com
felix_culpar said:
May 31, 09 at 7:23 pmgo to your doctor, I did and it helped to cure me
LINDA_R said:
May 31, 09 at 7:32 pmSevere mood swings and anger are indications of bipolar disorder. Some people who have borderline personality disorder do cut/self mutilate.
You need to see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation and an accurate diagnosis so that you can get appropriate treatment. However, if you refuse to take any medication, nothing anyone says or does will make any difference. If you don’t take your medication as prescribed, you can not expect to start feeling better anytime soon. If you are having problems with a particular medication, you need to talk to your psychiatrist so that the dosage can be adjusted, or the medication can be changed. A change in medication is possible in some cases.
See a psychiatrist immediately.
Monica said:
May 31, 09 at 8:46 pmIt’s really hard to differentiate between Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I know how you feel going to one doctor and getting weird meds then going off etc. And I’m struggling between the two illnesses myself.
What you should really do is to go to a doctor that you really trust and tell them you don’t want to take meds. Then they may be able to help you with other methods. I went and talked to a counselor for almost a year and we decided together that I should go back on meds and start a dialectical behaviorial therapy program. So she referred me to a Psychiatrist and I’m in a DBT group. They seem to be doing well together. The meds keeping my mood relatively calm and the DBT group teaching coping methods and mood regulation techniques. I was just up front with the psychiatrist and told him I refuse to take anything with weight gain side effects and I don’t want to be a zombie. Everyone is different so it may take a while to find the right meds or combination of meds as well as get correct dosages worked out. It’s a lot of work and it is hard, but I have to believe it’s worth it. Things seem to be going well so far, but I try to take things one day at a time and just manage to "survive the moment."
Currently, I’m on Topamax (a mood stabilizer) and prozac and wellbutrin. I’ve also been on Lamotrigine but I didn’t think it helped as much. The good thing about Topamax and Lamotrigine is that they do not cause weight gain, which I have issues with as well. Topamax can actually help you lose weight. The best thing to do is to find a Doctor who you can trust and that will actually listen to you. Then, you go in and talk to them and tell them exactly what you want. It’s easy to fall into a routine where you are intimidated or bullied by P-docs to take certain meds. Sometimes it takes a while to find a working relationship. I’d been through a lot of therapists before I found one I could work with.
Sometimes you can go to a health clinic and see if there’s a behavioral health program funded by the state for low income individuals. Usually places have some sort of program, but that’s a tough one. If you possibly can, you should try to get away from your father, he can’t be helping your situation. It also sounds like you could be suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Which would be understandable in your situation.
Your story sounds so much like mine it’s surreal. Good Luck and I hope you can find your way.
-Monica
Nutritionally_Fortified said:
May 31, 09 at 10:28 pmDear Maggie,
I don’t think you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You may or may not have Bipolar Disorder.
You’re trying desperately to find a name for what it is that you’re feeling and experiencing and sadly a lot of it is just life. As you know, life can be very cruel. You’re acting out a lot because of your circumstances at home.
A lot of what you’re feeling and doing has to do with anger. I completely understand going off medication but you need to pick either medication or therapy or both in order to have the best chance of having a normal life. Whatever normal is.
Anger is energy not just emotion. Use it in a positive way. Get so angry that you decide nothing will stop you from doing the right thing and putting yourself and your health first. The longer you stay in a bad situation at home the longer it will take to get better.
Tell your school counselor what’s going on. Anything is better than what you have. Join the Big Sister program and get someone to talk to and spend time with you that can be a good role model. Sounds like you need a big sister.