Should I have broken up with my boyfriend, or tried to help? Addicted to gambling and I am 4 months pregnant.?
Written on July 28, 2009 – 7:54 pm | by Drug Abuse Help
We’ve been together for nearly 2 years, and I thought we were in love. When we got pregnant, we were obviously not ready, but I could not find it in my heart to consider any other option. If I would have seen warning signs, I think I would have felt differently, but I thought everything was going just fine. I own a business, and it’s in it’s first year so I also have a full-time job to keep up on expenses. He would help with the business during the day, which is why he claimed he could not get a job. Once we found out about the pregnancy, he got a job almost immediately and it seemed as if he was stepping up to the plate. Last week I found out he was barely working, and spent most of his nights gambling and borrowing more and more money to cover his debt. Then, suddenly he started drinking so if he wasn’t coming in at 5 or 6 in the morning from gambling, he was crawling into bed drunk. I accused him of cheating, he broke down crying and was offended that I would ever think that since he claimed he wanted nothing more than to be a family with me and the baby and would never cheat. I gave him the ultimatum to change the drinking and more importantly gambling habits, he claimed he does not have a problem and I am too controlling and too emotional and although he loves me, he can not put up with it. I told him again, change your ways or you must move out. The next day when I got home from work his bags were packed and he had moved in with a couple, old friends he had cut off years ago because of their drinking and drug abuse. He chose his old friends and bad habits over me and the baby, and left me to figure out how to run the business and pay all of the bills by myself. My instinct tells me to never let him back in my life of the baby’s once it is born, he walked out on us this time and will most likely do it again. But I stay up at night thinking about whether or not I made the right choice. Should I have tried harder to help him change? Should I have supported him and tried to help him get over his addictions? I have been extremely emotional lately, and continuously reminding him of how disappointed I was with him and worried that he was not being the man our baby deserved. Is this what pushed him into gambling and drinking? I do not think he deserves me or the baby. It’s been a week and he has not even called me once to check on me. Does that mean I should accept it and move on, or should I continue to pray and worry about him, hoping he will soon hit rock bottom and come to his senses and change and come back to us?
He has no family, it has always been just him and me, he had no one but me and he is all I had too. Now he has these "friends" who claim to love and care about him so much, and the second they came back into his life the bad habits started again. They’ve disliked me from the beginning and have been telling him to leave me, that I changed him since Day 1. I feel guilty for turning my back, knowing what trash these people are, but then again maybe they just helped me see the real him.
Mommy_to_be_2_my_Lil_Princess said:
Jul 28, 09 at 3:55 amI know that is a tough choice to make while pregnant but only you can make that choice. All i can say is to support him and be there for him because if the situation was the other way around do you think that he would kick you out? If you know in your heart he wouldn’t then its ok the choice you made…but i feel if my own experiences you never leave someone you love when they are at there lowest point in life. Just think about it and pray about it you cant stress over it its not good for the baby. But i honestly think he need the help of you and yalls baby hope it works out sounds like you really miss him. Call him and see what he has been up to..you don’t have to let him come back but it will ease you mind a little.
Marcia_H said:
Jul 28, 09 at 4:31 amyour instincts are usually right..i had the same situation..i told my b/f that i wouldn’t even consider him as apart of our lives unless he stops drinking when i found out i was preg….1 because he treats me like crap when he’s drinking and if he does that to my baby, i will kill him, 2 because his dad died 2 years ago from drinking and i told him he needs to love his baby more than that to let it go through what he did. i let him know that i have a place to go where he will never find me if i catch him drinking again, and he has really changed since, i couldn’t ask for a better support….if your man wasn’t ready to change now, he was never going to!
Our_Son_is_Due_Sept_26_ said:
Jul 28, 09 at 11:48 amYou cant help someone unless they want to be helped or help themselves. My father had a huge gambling problem when I was younger (among other problems) that made my mother do what was best for both of us and get a divorce. He has fought gambling addiction over the past 30 years. He has never lost anything big to it, but he does waste alot of money to it when hes on a gambling streak.
Do your best for your child and what their best interests are. Get child support and let him be in your child’s life as much as he chooses, but when the addiction(s) start to be noticeable around the child, that’s when you need to again intervene. Until then take your time and take it easy, it will be hard being a single mother but sometimes that’s whats best for the child.
Don’t just accept him back if he "changes his mind" and "hits rock bottom" its common for someone who has a gambling or drug addiction to do just that, but not just once. They will run out of their own things to waste away and start either wasting away yours, or begin later once they have recovered. Sometimes this isn’t the case, and sometimes they do learn. But don’t depend on that. You, in most cases, will only end up hurt.
vmrock81 said:
Jul 28, 09 at 12:42 pmYou should look at it this way. He didn’t leave you to do it all on your own. Because whether he was there or not you were gonna end up doing it all on your own anyway.
J_N said:
Jul 28, 09 at 5:47 pmyou made the right move because staying with him he will just take things away from you and the baby with his gambling habits.
Lemanski_s_Ghost said:
Jul 28, 09 at 6:49 pmHe left you and his child because gambling and drinking are more important to him than you and his child. What exactly were you supposed to do to change what’s important to him? You’re not dealing with a human being who’s acting human, you’re dealing with addiction, and it’s calling all his shots. You need nothing of him.
rashindecisions said:
Jul 28, 09 at 8:42 pmI think you probably did what you felt was best for you and your baby. Is it the right decision? Only you can really decide that.
I don’t think that living with a gambler is a very stable environment for a baby, especially when they have a problem and are in way over their head with debts, etc.
Do I think it’s right to constantly remind someone how much they let you down, how you don’t think they are doing the right thing? No. Usually that only leads to resentment.
Did you drive him to have a problem with gambling? No, of course not. It’s an addiction, just like any other. It’s not your fault. You can’t be held responsible for what any other adult person does.
If you love him and you want to help him and you want him to be in your life and the baby’s life, then he needs addiction counseling for his gambling and possibly drinking.
But ultimately, the choice has to be his. If he doesn’t want to get help, if he’s not ready to get help, then there is nothing you or anyone else can do to help him.
I’m so sorry that you are in this stressful situation. Concentrate on having a healthy and happy baby.
kat said:
Jul 28, 09 at 11:11 pmGambling is an addiction much like alcoholism. As hard as it was, I think you did the right thing. If he goes into treatment then you might consider letting him back into your life. But as long as he is unwilling to admit he has a problem then you are better off without him. If you aren’t careful he could ruin your business and your credit. It will be hard to take care of the baby on your own, but it would be even harder if you had a gambler who would eventually steal from you (if he hasn’t already). Good luck. I hope that everything works out for you.
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