I am 20 weeks pregnant. Should I allow the father to be part of the pregnancy and involved in the child’s life?
Written on May 12, 2009 – 11:06 am | by Drug Abuse Help
I was with the father for almost 2 years and we have known each other close to 5 years. The relationship began going down hill about 4 months ago. Maybe a month before I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was not planned. The father is always lieing and is very manipulative and controlling to try to have things his way. I left him a month ago after I had moved in and been living with him and his mother for a year and a half which in itself was a very bad living situation their was always alot of arguing and abuse between he and his mother physical and emotional. He began telling me what I could and could not do. Who I could and could not talk to and went as far as making me change my number so I could not talk to my family or see them. Even began to push and shove me against walls when he was angry and telling me how stupid I was because I had somehow ruined both of our lives and the babies. He is 33 years old their is a 10 year age difference. He still lives with his mom and has a gambling and prescription drug addiction which are both very severe. A couple of weeks ago I thought I would try to work things out with him so that we could be together to raise the child as long as he moved out of his mothers home, saved money, and received family and indiviual counseling. At first he agreed and said he would change. However, one day I saw him and he stole lots of money from me and said he would not give it back because I left him with nothing. After he took the money he changed his number and would call from restricted numbers and then give the number chnaging his number and repeatedly doing it 5 consecutive times in a row and refusing that he has taken anything and refused to get help or change at all saying that I was the one that needed help not him. I am now living with my family and he is continuing to threathen and harrass me and my family with lots of other things and doing other hurtful things that he says is revenge to get back at me. Today I received a call from an mutual acquaintance saying he now wants to change for real and be a part of the childs life. I am confused because I do not want him and his behaviors around my child. I do not want my child to be upset with me for not having the father there. However, he is the babies father and I do not know if I should allow him to be part of the pregnancy and delivery. I know he can fight in court for his rights after the baby is born. How should I handle this situation for the sake of my baby?
Ash said:
May 12, 09 at 2:56 ami would say no he doesnt deserve to be part of the pregnancy and birth. You have tried giving him chances already and he has messed them all up on his own account. How do you know that he is just not saying he wants to really change now to come back in your life and get more from you and then leave again. I say if he is in his 30’s, stil living at home, and have gambling problems and such that he will not change. Specially if he thinks he can tell you want you can and cannot do!! you are a grown adult that can make your own decisions and take care of yourself, obviously he needs to seek some therapy to get his issues all under control before he can think of being a father to your baby. If he is threatening you and your family i would make sure you have them all reported and documented thru the police just in case you end up going to court after the baby is born and things are not better with him you have proof that he is not a suitable parent for the child and should not be intrusted in his care for no time. If he is basically abusive to you and his mother who knows what he would do to an innocent little baby that makes him angry when it will not stop crying..
hockeygirl783 said:
May 12, 09 at 3:25 amStay away from him…ignore his calls…change your phone number if you have to. If he wants to take you to court…let him…if you have proof that he has a problem…with gambling and prescription drugs…make sure you keep it…If you have friends or family as witnesses to this…that will help too…(If you go to Court)
He can say that he wants to change, but until he proves he wants to change…its not gonna happen..(like be in anger management classes, counselling etc..)…Do not believe him that he wants to change…you do not need to raise this child with this abuse…it is much worse than not having a father at all.
Good Luck.
Preggo_With__2_ said:
May 12, 09 at 5:11 amTalk is cheap. Tell him to contact you once he has got his act together…then you will consider letting him be a part of your child’s life.
As for custody/visitation I court…a drug addict with a gambling addiction who has been emotionally, verbally and physically abusive doesn’t stand much chance if it ever gets to court!
HaPpIlYmArRiEd said:
May 12, 09 at 9:03 amOh my God this is so horrible for you. Sounds like my ex husband only we had no kids THANK GOD. You owe him nothing and need to get a protective order because he is clearly psychotic. Seriously you have to protect your child and having a protective order is at least putting it on paper that you feel he is or may become a threat. I procrasinated and put it off, made excuses…called the police several times and hung up (we lived on the edge of 2 cities and I would often get transfered and placed on hold as they decided what police dept needed to answer my call). I didn’t make a serious move until we were seperated and he pulled a gun on me. As far as his involvement in your childs life…unfortunately he has rights. Thats scary because if he’s that manipulative he may use your baby. *sigh* I wouldn’t try to work this out…if he plans on changing he can while you’re apart. I’d let him fight things in court so everything is on record and court ordered. I’m sorry the blessing of your baby has turned into a stressful and hard time for you
Type3 said:
May 12, 09 at 10:02 amAnyone high on drugs should not be caring for a baby. If he definitely has a drug problem, I would get this addressed with Social Services. If he was pushing you while you were pregnant, then he is a danger to you and the baby. It should be reported, If need be you should be able to take a restrainer order out. Anyone that has been known to be violent to you and uses drugs, can not be trusted around you while you are pregnant. You never know when he might "go off" and hurt the baby.
I too would normally always say that a father should be part of a child’s life, but biology makes you a parent, only behavior, support, compassion and love can make you a father.
Alessandra said:
May 12, 09 at 11:50 amLook. This guy has been pushing you physically. You just can’t deal with this kind of thing, hun. You can’t be together with him.
Now look at it from the sake of the baby. This baby wants a father, don’t you think? Let the father bond with the baby, but dont let it involve you. And he can be there for the baby’s birth, but just dont think he has the honor to stand by you and watch the baby come out of you. Let him wait until you say he can come in.
And for keeping the baby, you should keep him. Unless you want the harmful dad to take the baby.
1ST_BABY_DUE_29_9_09 said:
May 12, 09 at 12:36 pmI would, if i were you stick this out on your own and put father un known on the birth certificate so he has no right to the baby. If he wants to see it he’ll have to take you to court and do a DNA test which is really expensive. So in short, you don’t need this tool in your life and your baby ill suffer more if you allow him to influence it in any way. Your allowing yourself to be a victim, which is unacceptable considering you need to be the big strong protector for your child’s sake. He seems to be an immature prick, so if he really wants to change ignore him and let him coming running back and prove himself to you and your baby. Don’t just give into him because you think maybe he’s telling the truth this time.
aug_13___1 said:
May 12, 09 at 4:56 pmno… he obviously doesn’t love you or the baby.. sounds like he is making 0 effort.. and is a violent man.. don’t let your child be around someone so viiolent no matter who they are even if they are the baby..
go to the police and find out what you can do.. this is a risk you don’t want to take
kegla7 said:
May 12, 09 at 5:17 pmYou need to stay away from this guy. I don’t care if he is the father of your baby. You should keep you and your baby away from ANY man that is physically and mentally abusive. With that said, what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby is get a restraining order from the court. This will show the court system that you are afraid of him and that he is harassing you. Then, when the baby is born you will have established a record of his behavior. It will also keep you and your unborn baby safe.
Also, I would start to keep a log or journal of EVERYTHING that is said or done between you and the baby’s father. Every time he calls you write down the date and time and what he said. If he ever threatens or harasses you…write it down! Write everything down with the date and time. This will be very valuable if he every tries to take you to court for custody. Good luck to you and stay safe!
lonlydragonbride said:
May 12, 09 at 5:25 pmI would say your best bet is to think of the baby; yes while having a father is better than no father in most cases in one where abuse is happening is not. I would speak to a lawyer and find out about him waiving parental rights since he is abusive. He can fight for rights after the birth of the baby but of you get things started now with the correct authorities there may not be a need. The decision to allow him into the child’s life is yours and only you can make it. But since he is harassing you and has had an abusive past I would suggest you speak to the authorities; and have a notice made to the hospital staff when you go in to deliver that he is not allowed to go to your room or have contact with the child so there is no chance of abuse. I hope this helps some. Best of luck to you both.
zestysesky said:
May 12, 09 at 6:51 pmDo NOT go back to him. He is an abuser and he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to get his way and stay in control.
What you need to do is document everything he has done to you. Keep track of it all. I don’t know what state you live in, but in california a father has no enforceable rights unless the couple is married and he has to get a court order to have any rights.
My advice to you is to cut you losses and get as far away from him as possible. If he is as bad as you say he is, leave the father section on the birth certificate blank and don’t keep contact with him.
Stay strong and don’t listen to anyone who says you are bad for not letting the father be a part of his baby’s life. ANY man can donate sperm to an egg and be a father, but it takes a REAL man to be a dad. Someday, a real man will come into your life and be a dad to you baby. Follow your intuition. I wish you luck.
Taylor_s_Mom said:
May 12, 09 at 8:03 pmWOW! He sounds like a handful. My daughter’s father and I split during my pregnancy. Things were going downhill when I became pregnant (why is it always like that?). I was so determined to not be "another statistic" that I pushed myself on him after she was born. But in hindsight I am soooooooooooooo glad that we did not get back together. He would have brought me down. Although he has a job and car and some money he is so selfish and self-centered. He also lives with his parents (beware of men that can’t leave the nest). Let him know that he can be a part of the baby’s life without you two being together. And if that is his real concern, then it wouldn’t matter if you two were together. I would tell him that actions speak louder than words. You have to see that he has changedl, but I would not just take his word for it. He has too many issues to just change over night.
Jackie said:
May 12, 09 at 8:39 pmIn my opinion the father should always be allowed to be apart of the child’s life as long as he doesn’t endanger the child in ANY way.
Worry_Wart said:
May 12, 09 at 11:05 pmAs an outsider looking in, it is very obvious that he should not be in any contact whatsoever with you or your baby. I don’t care how much he said he’s going to change even "for good" that is just the manipulation doing it’s magic. Your child will be more upset with you for having an abusive (even if it’s not physical, it’s still abuse), controlling, drug addicted father than to not have one at all-I’m sure anyone would agree. It kind of sounds like you want him there maybe just for support, but I’m telling you…it’s a bad idea. Try to be strong! I would cut off all contact immediately! Don’t worry about him fighting in court for his rights as a parent. Once they find out he’s abusive the only visitation he’ll get is supervised if he gets any at all.