Am I being too harsh?
Written on March 7, 2009 – 1:21 pm | by Drug Abuse Help
I am due in a week to have my baby. The father has not been there for me at all. I was nothing but nice for most of my pregnancy. He has abused me emotionally calling me bad names and yelling at me. I told him on several occasions on how i felt and he told me that it isn’t about me and that he didn’t care. I thought he would change as the time for me to have our child approaches but he has not. I told him that i thought it would be better for him to stay out of my life and my baby’s life because i didn’t want the baby to have a father that was only around when it was convienent for him. He refused and told me that he was taking me to court for custody….not that he would get custody but i don’t want to go through that hassle. A few weeks passed and i told him that he could come see his baby whenever he wanted to and he was like oh how am i gonna get there because he has no car or money. His girlfriend doesn’t know about the baby so what does that tell ya. His mother is a drug addict and alcholic and keeps harrassing me on facebook….if i happen to be away from the computer when she messages me she will say why arn’t you talking to me or why are you mad at me? Honestly doesn’t she realize i have better things to do than sit and wait for her to talk to me. she calls me kiddo which annoys me to death…totally not a kid as i am in my 20’s. lol. She has these big plans to take my kid to the ocean to swim when he or she will only be 4 or 5 months old to cohog and clam dig….as if that is gonna happen. Neither one of them have supported me finanically with the cost of preparing for a new baby. I bought everything myself, Not once have either one asked if i needed anything. The father is shocked that i declared that I am not putting his name on the birth certificate. He already threatened me once and to top it all of he is a loser with no job. I don’t plan on telling either one when the baby is born. Looking for opinions on whether or not you think I am being to harsh or what not. All I want is for my baby to have a normal life which is what i have with a stable home, which is what I own myself with a nice family who is very supportive. I don’t want the drama that comes along with these crazy people.
well his mother has a hydroponic system in her basement and grows cannibis all year long and the father definatly has no money because he has harrassed me for money and even went as far as stealing some from me, all the while knowing I was saving it support our baby.
Kay said:
Mar 07, 09 at 1:32 amMy best friend was in your exact situation.. Luckily for her, when the baby was born, he was too scared to have anything to do with his child because he didn’t want his girlfriend to find out about it. It was better for the kid anyways, he was just as much of a loser as this guy. As far as not telling him, he’ll eventually know you had the baby.. so that isn’t a great solution, I say let him take you to court, and request a paternity test so it takes even longer.. if he has no job and lives with his mom.. the judge will see that clear. Don’t worry about it, and he’ll probably ditch anyways. good luck to you, im sorry about the loser!
stacie_l said:
Mar 07, 09 at 5:18 amHell no your not being harsh girl…..
I am in a similar situation to you, im 27 weeks pregnant and ive had no help and support from my babies dad in any form…. you have to give this baby the best start in life and he sounds like a real looser to me would u really want ur baby to be subject to that type of impression. And as for him takin u to court if he cant even be arsed to get a job to support his child i hardly doubt he can take u for custody he would get laughed out the court room and tell him mum she needs to get a grip…. offer her a lifeline to be grandparent but u must be firm with her and tell her when ever she sees the baby she cant be under any influence of substance or the visits stop..
I dont think ur being harsh at all as soon as his name goes on that birth certificiate it gives him all kinds of rights..
Blokes like him really p*** me off they expect everything for nothing…
Stay strong and support urself and be proud to do it urself…
rennie828 said:
Mar 07, 09 at 8:49 amWow, thats a lot of drama. I pray that all goes well. You have to do what’s best for the baby. If he really wants to be in the baby’s life he will find a way and stop hiding it from his girlfriend. Don’t bend for him or anyone for that matter. Take care of yourself and the baby. Sounds like you have a supportive family and are doing well for yourself. Good Luck. Blessings to you and yours.
fierceangel said:
Mar 07, 09 at 10:51 amThe whole situation is toxic - drop them from your life. The only reason to keep him in it is to file for child support (which it doesn’t look as if he could provide it anyway).
monehget said:
Mar 07, 09 at 12:38 pmIt wasn’t a rape baby so ya it is fucked up of you to not put his name on the birth certificate, you both consented and you both get credit. Plus if you end up needing child support it will be a hell of a lot harder to get it if the birth certificate doesn’t have his name on it.
failingsanity22 said:
Mar 07, 09 at 1:46 pmIf your being harassed I would report this to the cops or just delete her off of facebook. If he is being abusive I as well would report this, as he may start to get worst when the baby is born. And it will help if he did take you too court. However I cant see him getting custody with no job or car, ect… he has to have money in order to take you to court for custody which he clearly has none. So how can he take you to court. I woudln’t let him see the child unless court ordered or else he may try not to give the baby back just to be an asshole and stress you out. If he can;t get a ride or money and a job and get his life on track, And is abusive verbally I wouldnt want my baby around that either. And if his mother is a drug and alcoholic i would maybe let her see the baby but only when I was around.
madison_d said:
Mar 07, 09 at 2:50 pmi dont think your being to harsh.
but he can take you to court.
and what if he doe’s get custody?
You should file for custody and child support.
and they will make him pay you a monthly bill for the child.
I had a child when i was 17 and the father got custody and I didn’t get to see my baby till he was about 5yrs old.
It was very tuff.
If i were in your position i would just act as if you want him to see the baby all the time.
And when the babies born and he wants to see him tell its fine to come get him your busy anyway.
(guys hate it when your agreeing with them)
I’ve been threw this 2 times.
The second father got part custody and could get the keeps on saturdays.
And monday for a few hours.
He would call me and tell me he can’t come to get them because he’s busy.
So i would say well i have plans you have to come get them
its your day.
You fought for the custody now come get them
He would get pissed and say he can’t so i would say okay w/e
and anyway
now i have full custody and he can get the kids only when they want to go over there.
I would just act as if it doesnt bother you at all that his mom and him are like that.
Hope that helped a little.
Baby__3_due_10_10_09 said:
Mar 07, 09 at 3:20 pmNo, it isn`t harder to get child support w/o his name on a stupid birth certificate. That is baloney. This was true back in the olden days, but these days techonology has changed and our laws have followed suit. If you EVER need his money (doesn`t sound like they have any anyway) you can get a DNA test court ordered. No biggie. You can even do it yourself.
That man and his family are toxic. Drop them and don`t look back. I would act like you never even knew them. I had a boyfriend like that once and my family sounds like yours. They literally wrapped their arms around me and when he came knocking they protected me. Yours will too.
If he plays games make sure he knows you will sue for child support. And, that means he also has to pay for day care while you work (true, depending on your state, but why not bluff a little?). If he can`t make the monthly payments (there are online calculators) he will be thrown in jail.
NOT TO even mention his drug abusing mother. If you have ANY evidence save it. This includes mentions on her facebook page and any pictures and emails. Whatever evidence you have keep it in a safe place or special folder. This could be used to prove he is an unfit father - unless he throws his mother off the boat — and gets a job. Oh, and if he is a user as well he will have to pass random drug tests. The court system and childrens services have a drug rehabilitation program he`d have to enroll in. This would include random tests. From my experience, people can`t keep clean…let alone make the visits. Which you could request they be supervised. This way if he doesn`t show there will be a record. After so many missed the court will review the vistitation requirement. Many have lost all parental rights because they failed to show up…
JC said:
Mar 07, 09 at 6:53 pmYou sound justified to me. You will have to tell them that you had the baby tho. Although you could always wait until you are out of the hospital and back in your own environment - it would make it easier to deal with them. He can still take you to court even if his name isn’t on the birth certificate as it will only take a DNA test. It might be better to put his name on there but not give him any rights. If you have to take him to court to get full custody do it, then he legally won’t have rights to your baby and it sounds like you would have a good case.
Mommy_2_B_July_26th_To_A_Girl said:
Mar 07, 09 at 7:03 pmGood for you! Be strong and keep that bastard out of yours and your childs life!
petrat13 said:
Mar 07, 09 at 7:19 pmFirst block her and him on Facebook. You don’t need them so why have them on there? Second see a lawyer or legal aid and find out what you have to do to protect yourself and your child and ensure he is paying child support. Third file a report about the threats with the police.
Kae said:
Mar 07, 09 at 8:42 pmdefinitely not too harsh. from the way it sounds, he will never get custody of your child. that being said, do what you have to do in order to protect it. if he wants to father the baby, he needs to act like a father first. as far as his mother goes, she sounds crazy as all hell. however, shutting her out completely may cause more problems. allow her limited visitation under your supervision, but be stern about your position with her son. eventually, it may be wise to work towards getting him to sign away all parental rights. if he has no job to pay for child support, he might not have a choice anyway. it doesn’t sound like his "fatherly" position will hold up in any court.
Mother_of_2_and_1_on_the_way said:
Mar 07, 09 at 9:10 pmdo you feel better now that you vented it out? it always make me feel better.
echuca03 said:
Mar 07, 09 at 9:35 pmLeave those freaks!
Even thinking about letting your druggie and alcoholic MIL take your baby swim in the ocean… Something is not quite right here.