Can any one please help? Can anyone give me hope?
Written on October 29, 2009 – 3:55 pm | by Drug Abuse Help
I am at my wit’s end as i don’t know wat else to do.
I am 19yrs old and i’ve been on my own since i was nearly 17.
As a kid, i always remember feeling sad and panicky. At the age of 10 my father put his hand down my pants and after mustering up the courage to tell my mother, she spoke to him then told me "it was an accident" because he thought i was her. Is that even possible? Can a man married for 16yrs mistake the body of his daughter for his wife’s?
At first i just believed it was an accident but when i hit puberty i felt this raging hate for him. I hated mum and myself too.
Five years later, when i was 15 mum read my diary and realised that what happened was still an issue with me (like i should’ve gotten over it) and she dragged me to see counsellors and psychologists but after all this time i thought ‘how f***** dare she!’ but they put me on medication witch made me a zombie.
She kicked me out 6months later.
From then on its just an endless cycle of abuse, drugs, alcohol, and boyfriends. My mother would watch me sleeping at a million different houses because i had no where to live. One night i was raped by a friend of my boyfriends and beat up in the city and i had to call mum to pick me up. She did…and she took me back to the drughouse where we were all living. What kind of f***** bitch would do that to their daughter?
All this time i’m telling her to help me because i know something is wrong inside my head, she didnt and before i knew it i was 17 and pregnant to a drug addict/alcoholic.
This idiot bashed me while i was pregnant, used intravenous drugs while i was pregnant and spent all our money. i was 3 and a half months pregnant and weighed less than 40kgs.
I was delirious and starving and i don’t have much memory of being pregnant. I know my mother took me to the city and put me on a bus. When i woke up i was 2 states away in my uncle’s car on the way to what he said was the "doctors’.
When i got there i remember they gave me papers to sign then 2 tablets that gave me a terrible pain in the stomach. Then a nurse gave me a needle which put me to sleep. When i woke up 7 mintues later, found out i’d had an abortion. My mother had paid to have me aborted at 4months and the only place that did it was 2 states away.
Then she refuses to bring me back so here i am 1 year later on my fucking own.What do i do? Where am i supposed to pick up my life? i feel like everydoor i open leads to another wall. My boyfriend tells me i am a ’sook’ which i think is pretty selfish.
I have also now been diagnosed with having psycosis and BPD (borderline personality disorder). So all along i wasnt attention seeking.
I have no contact with either of my parents, i just feel hope less. I can’t hold down a job because of my illnesses and i will never ever see my baby (which was i girl i wanted to call Heidi.)
On the 30th of September, she would’ve been one.
Thanks for anyone who listens.
